Is there someone that has kept a flame burning for you? Many of us hope this happens in hopes that we can return to a time in the past when...all was great. Years later...marriage on the rocks, market imploding losing it all what else is there to hold on to but those great memories. What do we say...hey I know it is only dreaming but right now that dream feels mighty good and that's alright.

Who is this person?

How does one confront the past when it rushes up completely unrecognizable...a person that is. I am at a loss as to how to deal with this person. I wonder is it possible this is only an exterior thing and sequestered deep inside is this wonderfully frail loving person I shared passions with. How do I know? Will it be in the eyes or the warmth of the hand? As for me how can I hide the beating of my heart the darkening of already nearly black eyes and the beads of perspiration on my forehead? It has been many years since I have seen this person...even then we did not part for lack of passion but rather passion clouding our rational behavior...we would have physically starved because regardless of what is said you cannot live by love alone.
What has happened is they had diverted this passion into a new way of life...successful business...successful spouse with nice white house and picket fence. Me, I am still the Bohemian endless bookshelves...every topic imaginable. Music to feed my moods...wine racks that beg for bottles to stay more than a fortnight. I am still the soldier she held in the middle of the night as painful dreams would haunt me...not so much any more...she was my therapy her love healed me. Why has she come looking for me...she says to return things of mine...she kept them all these years. What do I do with the emotional rush that will hit me as I once again touch that time when love, bread, wine and a small bowl of spicy Bohemian potatoes fueled the heart, mind and soul?
I don't know what I will do...perhaps just enjoy the wonderful memories and leave things as they are.

What I don't know

I know who I am...who my parents were etc. My Mom did a certain thing this way and my Dad did something that way that I observed and understand why I now do the same. What I don't know is what about all those that went before me...what is my cultural memory? What am I doing that my great-great-great grandfather did years ago? I hope I am not the only one who questions their behavior and wonder who passed down that tendency? I am not of just one culture...how did my mind process and encompass all the cultural influences. What took place when my genetic card was punched at conception? What do you do if you believe in the possibility of parallel worlds and that you have been traveling between different worlds? As one can see I posed many questions which I am working on understanding while I continue to do what I do and wonder why.

Yesterday, today and tomorrow

I have this friend who worries that her children will not understand or rather think badly of her if they found out she had a number of loves in life before finding the "right one." Actually--they need to know that life sometimes takes many turns before we emerge on the right Avenue. Maybe then they will not try to make to much out of the first emotional bud that surfaces. Sometime you have to cut the bud back to make the flower stronger and more resilient.
I have a difficult time with people who want others to believe that their life was one of perfection and that shazam just like that life came out perfect. What we need to say is--there was this girl named Martha who broke my young heart and then talk about it. The point becomes--we got through it, did not die and life went on to the next encounter. Kids need to know that we in spite of what may seem reckless abandon we did set rules for people in our lives which is why we had different people we came to know. It was how we learned what would work in life, who would really be there and who was really our friend and not just a fair weather lover. These friends remained in life when relationships failed and they were always there to re-assure us that we were going to be OK.
I have this friend who I had not seen for many years and her first question was "did everything turn out OK?" I wanted to just say...you know not staying with you was a very bad decision on my part but I did not. She obviously had kept track of me as she was too familiar with what I had done and where I had been and wish she had said..."you blew it Mr." What is interesting is that while we were talking her oldest child paced nervously as if they didn't want to hear about this part of Mom's life. I hesitated to give her a hug not wanting it to be misunderstood by her son...but I did tell her she was always going to be special to my life.
We need to let our children (if you have them) know we did not grow up in a cloister or a seminary and that we lived our lives with gusto. What we may not want to mention are the imaginary life we lived...our own perfect Camelot.

Love is out there...

Recently I was asked why I am avoiding a relationship at this point in my life and the answer is simple...Susi, I want to keep life simple. To me--it seems that to much is complicated in today's world. Our first inclination is one of mistrust...which troubles me because my first inclination is to submit to the moment and see where it goes. Lately it goes nowhere. So for now I reflect on the love others have shared and the loves I have been blessed with.

Recently a person I have not heard from in many years (we broke off rather badly) contacted me to tell me she still had some items of mine that I might want returned. First, that she kept them surprised me but that she now feels comfortable corresponding with me was a wonderful feeling. What we shared will remain in the time frame in which it happened but the good memories travel as comfort that life has been good. There are times when the relationships we are in go bad and we grab an attitude of ugly animus then later in life we find we grew as a result of that experience. Why don't we go back to this person and say just that...you helped me grow into a better, stronger person. Really--it can do a great good for you and the person who you tell this too. Perhaps it will help them get through a difficult day and you put meaning into that day of your life.

I think that even those of us who are not fortunate enough to remain with one person for many years have that same comfort zone. That is if we don't try to mask our life with what we think others want to hear. So you have been married 3 times and had a number of loves why should this make you less of a desirable person? Really it makes you a better person--a true survivor and to paraphrase Susi..."it is never too late." Never too late is so correct but for me first I have to get through this "life is too complicated" phase.
Asians not unlike Latins are serious about living life, good food and Love. Throughout the ages their food revolves around a sense of the erotic with households that hold the many loves in a persons life...each one special in their own way. At this moment of my personal studies I find that only the European mind can adequately interpret this unique relationship. It can only be understood by a person who is used to being in love...with life and food and people in that moment. I remember seeing Anthony Quinn in Zorba the Greek and hearing him sing a song called "The first time" did you ever do this before? Yes, but not with this person so...it is the first time or maybe Ms Mercuri in Never on Sunday ahh there is a list of film for hopeless romantics who wish life were not so complicated.
Helping others become better leaders comes from helping them realize those things they can do to make life a bit less complicated.

No apology for China

As the Olympic torch carriers attempted a run through San Francisco pro Tibet protesters confronted pro China supporters in an old fashioned screaming session. What was accomplished? Nothing worthwhile. How can the people of any country who in its own dark history has oppressed a people residing within their borders. It matters not when this happened just that the people, the culture--have a propensity to this behavior. History supports that this tendency does not go away but merely adapts to operate in modernity. China since the Communist take over has been consistent in its behavior. It has continued in the historical footsteps of the dynastic iron rule from the top. China contends Tibet is historically a part of China but history records that Tibet and China in the mid-13Th Century both became a part of the Mongol empire of the Khans. When the Khans formed the Yuan Dynasty which became a segment of the total Chinese lineage it holds to this possession. Written into this often changing history is the possibility that the Dalai Lama is a reincarnation of Kublai Khan who converted to Buddhism. China continued to be active in Tibet after the Yuan period and in 1720s Qing period under Kangxi Tibet was freed from rogue invaders and a treaty with border delineations was signed. China sent representatives to govern the area of Tibet ceded them by treaty.

During the time of Emperor Qianlong often there were uprisings in Tibet and each time China came to the rescure only this time the Emperor around the mid-1700s declared the Dalai Lama the Spiritural and Political leader of Tibet. This did not solve the problems for Tibet.

Love in marriage--that never loses its glow

Words written by Kuan Tao-Sheng (1262-1319) about her love for her husband...a love that began in the Southern Song Dynastic and lasted into the Early Yuan. She was a loving wife and an exceptional writer and artist.

you and i
have so much love,
that it
burns like a fire,
in which we bake a lump of clay
molded into a figure of you
and a figure of me.
then we take both of them,
and break them into pieces,
and mix the pieces with water,
and mold again a figure of you,
and a figure of me.
i am in your clay.
you are in my clay.
in life we share a single quilt.
in death we will share one coffin.

Translated by:
Kenneth Rexroth and Ling Chung

Que es malo/bueno?

We love the bad boys and girls for how they make us feel. Through them we leave behind our mundane, neatly ordered, lawful and boring lives. It how we are made to feel, that is good. They are being bad by going beyond what we would imagine doing. Yet...vicariously--that moment of being bad gives us a fear filled but satisfying moment. The movies give us so many of these moments to shake us out of our well ordered lives for that periodic moment that we seek. Does pain feel good...does it arouse...does it speak of love? For some it is the only language they understand or so it seemed when I watched Ang Lee's Lust,Caution (Se,jie) on DVD. It concerned me to feel excited, aroused during scenes that mixed love with violence. Is there a fine line between the two that I have never seen before...has raw love actually been this brutal but lost in the moment..if so it was never realized? Intrigue, what would I do for a thrill? Oh, have I answered that question many time in my life. To defy...PERIOD. Nothing more nothing less. Just to defy the odds, to match wits to flaunt in defiance regardless of the possible outcome. Ang Lee goes deep inside...pulls you off the couch and leaves one feeling flush...it is very much worth viewing.

Winter wonderland picnic

So what do we pack for a nice cozy picnic in the snow. A big thermos full of hot chocolate with those little mini marsh mellows or the big foamy looking one? How about some hot chicken noodle soup. We can snuggle while we sip the soup and just enjoy watching the beautiful flakes fall about us. We have to remember the pocket warmers and the insulated boots...don't forget the wrap around scarf and the ear muffs. I'll hold your hands and we will be warm. What was that music from Zhivago during the winter scene?

To the movies

As a kid my favorite get away was to go the movies every Saturday and Sunday. I loved the old musicals...like Frank Sinatra in Pal Joey or An American in Paris with Gene Kelly...two of many that I still love to revisit. But then there are the Brando classics like his role as Emiliano Zapata staring along with Anthony Quinn or the movie the Ugly American. That book shook my life when I first read it and Brando brought it to life on the screen. In these times it is more DVD than movie theater...very casual as I make my own popcorn or Dinner Theater style with a meal in front of the TV. My problem is I have trouble finding DVDs in say Mandarin or Spanish without a lot of sub-titles. Sub-titles take away from the mood the raw language puts you in. I have great memories of queuing up outside of a movie house in Hong Kong or Shanghai. There it is not unusual for people to bring food and drink into the movie house. That is where I first experienced Zhang Yimo and Gong Lee as the dynamic movies team the once were. Recently I viewed Ang Lee's latest work Lust,Caution and all I can say is WOW! Ang Lee gives us a variety of raw experiences that left me feeling a need for pain to validate my ability to love...really it gets into your brain in an intoxicating way and makes you feel confused right to the end. A must experience since it is not only viewed by also experienced.
Tonight I watched Michael Clayton understand how Ms. Swinton earned her award. Michael Clayton was only one type of janitor portrayed...others took it to another level cleaning up a big mess in a way that left me wondering--is this where Delta Force goes after the war? A few weeks back I viewed Eastern Promises and for the second time on the screen Viggo had me on the edge of my seat. Again the reality of brutality...does it really exist in current times...you bet it does this is about things that really happen. There are new DVDs coming out that I want to see but I still like to use my Blockbuster freebies to revisit old faves like Lawrence of Arabia or Dr. Zhivago. I love it when an actor knocks me over with the credibility that exists in the character they portray. Being in character is what acting is about...leaving yourself and becoming this persona you are portraying. There are actors in the theaters and on the stage that are so very good.

Listen to your Mother

More and more I hear of people who are being contacted from beyond by loved ones who have died. No, this is not a disbeliever but rather a true believer that is does happen. My feelings are that is happens more often than we realize. We have closed our minds to the possibility so absolutely that we miss this contact intended to guide us to that which we search our whole lives. My Mom died recently...as much as I knew I would miss her--death was a reward as opposed to suffering with cervical cancer. I have siblings...seven of them to be exact...and you know what Mom recently reminded me of was that she and I had four years as an only child. This is something special I shared with her. I grew up speaking Spanish and Euskera since I was raised around Maternal and Paternal Grandparents who did not speak English. Around the age of four when my father had returned from his military service we moved to communities where only English was spoken. Well my Mom recently reminded me that buried deep in my mind is a fluency in Spanish/Euskera and all I need to do is start using it. She was a big believer that my ability to learn complex languages was a result of having to transition from Spanish.
My Mom and I don't talk in the conventional sense but it is a mental communication that goes on. Lately I have found myself articulating my answers and yes, people do look at me very strangely. At times it is so strange because there are mornings when I know that my dreams have been in those languages. Problem is I don't write in those languages so I am hoping that if I just put forth the effort I will gain additional language fluency's. Don't think for a moment that praise for something well done doesn't come from beyond. We really have no idea what happens. I have my beliefs as to what happens--but thats another page.

What do I know?

How much can one person absorb or be involved in? I don't think that has a quantifiable answer. Each of us has a capacity. Some grow that capacity to become so open ended that it goes in many directions and just grows and grows. Others are finite and set limits as to what or to what extent they are open to new learning. They prefer to have this little niche that becomes their specialty. We see them as the experts in that precise segment of knowledge. Personally--however, I don't see the more generalist style of learners any less knowledgeable and tend to believe they may have more of knowledge tied into the real pulse of the universe. What I am trying to say is still not absolutely clear to me and am still struggling to understand it. I just feel this when I read the works of great writers of say the 19Th c. or early 20Th c. such as Joyce and Dostoevsky just to mention a few. What they wrote still rocks the cradle of the mind and changes the direction of our thoughts. I guess that is why I enjoy periodically visiting these old friends and keep their works near by.
Mature thought. Ever give thought to what that might mean? Is it old and stinky? Is it based on experience? Not everyone has significant experiences and not all thought is archaic and one step removed from dust. When I lived in Asia I was not taken totally serious until my hair started to gray. Although most of my friends and colleagues dyed their hair--they knew each other since childhood and knew how they had developed. I was the new kid no one knew about and the only measure of maturity came irrespective of experiences but rather on the occasion of my gray hair.
I have been giving much thought as to how I filter people that I come in contact with. Do I have this mental paradigm that programs me to ask certain questions in that attempt to gain comfort or better yet to see who has the better Gong fu. Man, woman it makes no difference. If you are going to be in my life are you going to share or just take? No, I don't just blurt that out but somehow that process that isolates me when it should only be insulating me by allowing this new warmth to reach me. I sort of listen to me ask questions but I really listen to the responses coming back to me. This person challenges me that person agrees with me. But why? I don't even know if I am right. It is best to stay on topics that are historically recorded and discussions that revolve around minute interpretations. Heaven forbid it was some way out philosophical discussion that Kant or Nietzsche left open ended. Did they ever leave anything open for further discussion?

Blame it on the weather

For the first time in over 50 yrs China on the eve of the New Year has thousands stranded--unable to get home for Spring Festival. This will put a real wrinkle in many who believe what happens now is an indication of the rest of the year. Personally I hope not...if so I will be overburdened with readings, note taking and then making cohesive paragraphs. Ha, folks are stranded in train stations and on the road and I have petty concerns. I better straighten up my thinking or it will be a bad karmic year for me.
Still I can't help but reflect on that homing instinct at this time of the year...for some its the only trip they make hope after working miles away from home. I imagine that now that more families in China have Buicks the road traffic was a real problem. It is bad just with the trucks moving goods and produce back and forth from country to city.
You know what, if the Chinese remember how to help each other as they have done in the past, they will get through this crisis on their own without outside help.

My examination hell

It is late--too late to be quizzing myself. What have I accomplished this past year...what do I intend to do in this new year. My God its February already. Where did January go...what have I been doing this past month. Chinese New Year...a couple days away and I haven't even begun to make my rounds...do I want hao yun qi? I better get moving? What year is it? 4706 by their calander the year of the Rat. Some say Gong Xi Fa Tsai others Gong Hei Fatt Choi...Happy New Year.

I have oranges on the table and tomorrow I will buy some fresh flowers and apples and make it a point to wear red...pay off my debts...not really but I am in great standing with all accounts.

I can't believe the community is so quiet...must be some truth to an economic slow down. Still that never stopped people before. The custom, tradition continues regardless of current conditions...all we do right now will determine how properous the year will be for us. No holding back.
My excuse for being so frantic...studies, exams, defending, writing. So much to read but I want a life.

The Silk Road

China. Imagine looking down a road--a light breeze, silk panels hanging, flapping...vision of here to there obscured. Each panel once sequestered the ancient pasts now co-mingle with modernity as each breeze lift the panels and shake out the indelible past clinging to a complex modernity foreign in every aspect. Images of the majesty that was...emerge with each flap and coil passing from one light breeze to another. How to change and not lose sight of who or what you have been. Once a mighty nation admired and coveted by many. Through out its history China has maintained its own interests and methods.