How does one confront the past when it rushes up completely unrecognizable...a person that is. I am at a loss as to how to deal with this person. I wonder is it possible this is only an exterior thing and sequestered deep inside is this wonderfully frail loving person I shared passions with. How do I know? Will it be in the eyes or the warmth of the hand? As for me how can I hide the beating of my heart the darkening of already nearly black eyes and the beads of perspiration on my forehead? It has been many years since I have seen this person...even then we did not part for lack of passion but rather passion clouding our rational behavior...we would have physically starved because regardless of what is said you cannot live by love alone.
What has happened is they had diverted this passion into a new way of life...successful business...successful spouse with nice white house and picket fence. Me, I am still the Bohemian endless bookshelves...every topic imaginable. Music to feed my moods...wine racks that beg for bottles to stay more than a fortnight. I am still the soldier she held in the middle of the night as painful dreams would haunt me...not so much any more...she was my therapy her love healed me. Why has she come looking for me...she says to return things of mine...she kept them all these years. What do I do with the emotional rush that will hit me as I once again touch that time when love, bread, wine and a small bowl of spicy Bohemian potatoes fueled the heart, mind and soul?
I don't know what I will do...perhaps just enjoy the wonderful memories and leave things as they are.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Friday, July 11, 2008
What I don't know
I know who I am...who my parents were etc. My Mom did a certain thing this way and my Dad did something that way that I observed and understand why I now do the same. What I don't know is what about all those that went before me...what is my cultural memory? What am I doing that my great-great-great grandfather did years ago? I hope I am not the only one who questions their behavior and wonder who passed down that tendency? I am not of just one culture...how did my mind process and encompass all the cultural influences. What took place when my genetic card was punched at conception? What do you do if you believe in the possibility of parallel worlds and that you have been traveling between different worlds? As one can see I posed many questions which I am working on understanding while I continue to do what I do and wonder why.
Yesterday, today and tomorrow
I have this friend who worries that her children will not understand or rather think badly of her if they found out she had a number of loves in life before finding the "right one." Actually--they need to know that life sometimes takes many turns before we emerge on the right Avenue. Maybe then they will not try to make to much out of the first emotional bud that surfaces. Sometime you have to cut the bud back to make the flower stronger and more resilient.
I have a difficult time with people who want others to believe that their life was one of perfection and that shazam just like that life came out perfect. What we need to say is--there was this girl named Martha who broke my young heart and then talk about it. The point becomes--we got through it, did not die and life went on to the next encounter. Kids need to know that we in spite of what may seem reckless abandon we did set rules for people in our lives which is why we had different people we came to know. It was how we learned what would work in life, who would really be there and who was really our friend and not just a fair weather lover. These friends remained in life when relationships failed and they were always there to re-assure us that we were going to be OK.
I have this friend who I had not seen for many years and her first question was "did everything turn out OK?" I wanted to just say...you know not staying with you was a very bad decision on my part but I did not. She obviously had kept track of me as she was too familiar with what I had done and where I had been and wish she had said..."you blew it Mr." What is interesting is that while we were talking her oldest child paced nervously as if they didn't want to hear about this part of Mom's life. I hesitated to give her a hug not wanting it to be misunderstood by her son...but I did tell her she was always going to be special to my life.
We need to let our children (if you have them) know we did not grow up in a cloister or a seminary and that we lived our lives with gusto. What we may not want to mention are the imaginary life we lived...our own perfect Camelot.
I have a difficult time with people who want others to believe that their life was one of perfection and that shazam just like that life came out perfect. What we need to say is--there was this girl named Martha who broke my young heart and then talk about it. The point becomes--we got through it, did not die and life went on to the next encounter. Kids need to know that we in spite of what may seem reckless abandon we did set rules for people in our lives which is why we had different people we came to know. It was how we learned what would work in life, who would really be there and who was really our friend and not just a fair weather lover. These friends remained in life when relationships failed and they were always there to re-assure us that we were going to be OK.
I have this friend who I had not seen for many years and her first question was "did everything turn out OK?" I wanted to just say...you know not staying with you was a very bad decision on my part but I did not. She obviously had kept track of me as she was too familiar with what I had done and where I had been and wish she had said..."you blew it Mr." What is interesting is that while we were talking her oldest child paced nervously as if they didn't want to hear about this part of Mom's life. I hesitated to give her a hug not wanting it to be misunderstood by her son...but I did tell her she was always going to be special to my life.
We need to let our children (if you have them) know we did not grow up in a cloister or a seminary and that we lived our lives with gusto. What we may not want to mention are the imaginary life we lived...our own perfect Camelot.
Love is out there...
Recently I was asked why I am avoiding a relationship at this point in my life and the answer is simple...Susi, I want to keep life simple. To me--it seems that to much is complicated in today's world. Our first inclination is one of mistrust...which troubles me because my first inclination is to submit to the moment and see where it goes. Lately it goes nowhere. So for now I reflect on the love others have shared and the loves I have been blessed with.
Recently a person I have not heard from in many years (we broke off rather badly) contacted me to tell me she still had some items of mine that I might want returned. First, that she kept them surprised me but that she now feels comfortable corresponding with me was a wonderful feeling. What we shared will remain in the time frame in which it happened but the good memories travel as comfort that life has been good. There are times when the relationships we are in go bad and we grab an attitude of ugly animus then later in life we find we grew as a result of that experience. Why don't we go back to this person and say just that...you helped me grow into a better, stronger person. Really--it can do a great good for you and the person who you tell this too. Perhaps it will help them get through a difficult day and you put meaning into that day of your life.
I think that even those of us who are not fortunate enough to remain with one person for many years have that same comfort zone. That is if we don't try to mask our life with what we think others want to hear. So you have been married 3 times and had a number of loves why should this make you less of a desirable person? Really it makes you a better person--a true survivor and to paraphrase Susi..."it is never too late." Never too late is so correct but for me first I have to get through this "life is too complicated" phase.
Asians not unlike Latins are serious about living life, good food and Love. Throughout the ages their food revolves around a sense of the erotic with households that hold the many loves in a persons life...each one special in their own way. At this moment of my personal studies I find that only the European mind can adequately interpret this unique relationship. It can only be understood by a person who is used to being in love...with life and food and people in that moment. I remember seeing Anthony Quinn in Zorba the Greek and hearing him sing a song called "The first time" did you ever do this before? Yes, but not with this person so...it is the first time or maybe Ms Mercuri in Never on Sunday ahh there is a list of film for hopeless romantics who wish life were not so complicated.
Helping others become better leaders comes from helping them realize those things they can do to make life a bit less complicated.
Recently a person I have not heard from in many years (we broke off rather badly) contacted me to tell me she still had some items of mine that I might want returned. First, that she kept them surprised me but that she now feels comfortable corresponding with me was a wonderful feeling. What we shared will remain in the time frame in which it happened but the good memories travel as comfort that life has been good. There are times when the relationships we are in go bad and we grab an attitude of ugly animus then later in life we find we grew as a result of that experience. Why don't we go back to this person and say just that...you helped me grow into a better, stronger person. Really--it can do a great good for you and the person who you tell this too. Perhaps it will help them get through a difficult day and you put meaning into that day of your life.
I think that even those of us who are not fortunate enough to remain with one person for many years have that same comfort zone. That is if we don't try to mask our life with what we think others want to hear. So you have been married 3 times and had a number of loves why should this make you less of a desirable person? Really it makes you a better person--a true survivor and to paraphrase Susi..."it is never too late." Never too late is so correct but for me first I have to get through this "life is too complicated" phase.
Asians not unlike Latins are serious about living life, good food and Love. Throughout the ages their food revolves around a sense of the erotic with households that hold the many loves in a persons life...each one special in their own way. At this moment of my personal studies I find that only the European mind can adequately interpret this unique relationship. It can only be understood by a person who is used to being in love...with life and food and people in that moment. I remember seeing Anthony Quinn in Zorba the Greek and hearing him sing a song called "The first time" did you ever do this before? Yes, but not with this person so...it is the first time or maybe Ms Mercuri in Never on Sunday ahh there is a list of film for hopeless romantics who wish life were not so complicated.
Helping others become better leaders comes from helping them realize those things they can do to make life a bit less complicated.
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