Hola, estoy de vuelta! Tanto es embotellada que necesita para salir de una manera creativa. Ten paciencia conmigo y voy a abrir mi corazón a ti!

Is there someone that has kept a flame burning for you? Many of us hope this happens in hopes that we can return to a time in the past when...all was great. Years later...marriage on the rocks, market imploding losing it all what else is there to hold on to but those great memories. What do we say...hey I know it is only dreaming but right now that dream feels mighty good and that's alright.

Who is this person?

How does one confront the past when it rushes up completely unrecognizable...a person that is. I am at a loss as to how to deal with this person. I wonder is it possible this is only an exterior thing and sequestered deep inside is this wonderfully frail loving person I shared passions with. How do I know? Will it be in the eyes or the warmth of the hand? As for me how can I hide the beating of my heart the darkening of already nearly black eyes and the beads of perspiration on my forehead? It has been many years since I have seen this person...even then we did not part for lack of passion but rather passion clouding our rational behavior...we would have physically starved because regardless of what is said you cannot live by love alone.
What has happened is they had diverted this passion into a new way of life...successful business...successful spouse with nice white house and picket fence. Me, I am still the Bohemian endless bookshelves...every topic imaginable. Music to feed my moods...wine racks that beg for bottles to stay more than a fortnight. I am still the soldier she held in the middle of the night as painful dreams would haunt me...not so much any more...she was my therapy her love healed me. Why has she come looking for me...she says to return things of mine...she kept them all these years. What do I do with the emotional rush that will hit me as I once again touch that time when love, bread, wine and a small bowl of spicy Bohemian potatoes fueled the heart, mind and soul?
I don't know what I will do...perhaps just enjoy the wonderful memories and leave things as they are.

What I don't know

I know who I am...who my parents were etc. My Mom did a certain thing this way and my Dad did something that way that I observed and understand why I now do the same. What I don't know is what about all those that went before me...what is my cultural memory? What am I doing that my great-great-great grandfather did years ago? I hope I am not the only one who questions their behavior and wonder who passed down that tendency? I am not of just one culture...how did my mind process and encompass all the cultural influences. What took place when my genetic card was punched at conception? What do you do if you believe in the possibility of parallel worlds and that you have been traveling between different worlds? As one can see I posed many questions which I am working on understanding while I continue to do what I do and wonder why.

Yesterday, today and tomorrow

I have this friend who worries that her children will not understand or rather think badly of her if they found out she had a number of loves in life before finding the "right one." Actually--they need to know that life sometimes takes many turns before we emerge on the right Avenue. Maybe then they will not try to make to much out of the first emotional bud that surfaces. Sometime you have to cut the bud back to make the flower stronger and more resilient.
I have a difficult time with people who want others to believe that their life was one of perfection and that shazam just like that life came out perfect. What we need to say is--there was this girl named Martha who broke my young heart and then talk about it. The point becomes--we got through it, did not die and life went on to the next encounter. Kids need to know that we in spite of what may seem reckless abandon we did set rules for people in our lives which is why we had different people we came to know. It was how we learned what would work in life, who would really be there and who was really our friend and not just a fair weather lover. These friends remained in life when relationships failed and they were always there to re-assure us that we were going to be OK.
I have this friend who I had not seen for many years and her first question was "did everything turn out OK?" I wanted to just say...you know not staying with you was a very bad decision on my part but I did not. She obviously had kept track of me as she was too familiar with what I had done and where I had been and wish she had said..."you blew it Mr." What is interesting is that while we were talking her oldest child paced nervously as if they didn't want to hear about this part of Mom's life. I hesitated to give her a hug not wanting it to be misunderstood by her son...but I did tell her she was always going to be special to my life.
We need to let our children (if you have them) know we did not grow up in a cloister or a seminary and that we lived our lives with gusto. What we may not want to mention are the imaginary life we lived...our own perfect Camelot.